Together vs You and Me: Navigating the Way Back to Us
I recently discovered one of the best relationship books I’ve ever read: *Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship: Us* by Terrence Real (which I’ll refer to as *Us* from now on). This book offers both profound insights and engaging content. In Us, Real encourages readers to stop approaching relational disagreements as individuals. He highlights how our society's emphasis on individualism and a winner-takes-all mentality often leads couples to fight to be right, rather than to be happy. The book shows that the traits that might make you a great employee or successful in your career can actually make you a terrible partner.
Throughout the book, Terrence Real introduces us to a variety of couples, showing how individualism can damage relationships. He then offers both the couples and us, the readers, practical tools to cultivate a more relational perspective, leading to stronger, more intimate connections. The diverse stories of these couples ensure that everyone can find something relatable. Personally, I saw glimpses of myself, my partner, or a loved one in each person I read about, making the reading experience even more engaging and heartfelt.
Terrence Real encourages his clients to examine their upbringing to understand their individualistic tendencies and the survival techniques they developed in childhood. He then helps them connect these behaviors to their triggers in adult life, where they often react like that child in survival mode. When interacting with your significant other, try to recognize which part of yourself is responding: is it the wise adult or the traumatized child? Often, it is the latter, acting from a place of trauma and fear, struggling for survival. This is not a constructive place for a loving relationship. This is called relatipshp integrity or “Take turns going crazy in your relationships” which means you hold the fort (wise adult) while your partner is going off (adaptive child). YOU MAY NOT HAVE ACHIEVED THE RESULT YOU WISHED FOR BUT YOU REMAINED STEADILY IN THE YOU THAT YOU WISH FOR. WHEN YOU REMAIN CALM/MATURE YOU WIN! Heal and care for the traumatized part of yourself, but don't let it steer the relational wheel, as it will likely lead to chaos.
The book also offers a comprehensive guide on resolving disagreements, upsets, and relational issues: addressing them directly instead of ignoring them. However, it emphasizes the importance of following certain rules to ensure effective communication, such as providing constructive advice to our partner on how to mend the relationship.
I do have a couple of critiques of the book. One is Terrence used difficult words, prompting me to Google them when a simpler term would have sufficed. Another critique is that he only addressed the impact of race and racism on intimate relationships in the final chapters of the book. It was a bit disheartening to discover that it took a client, after years of practice, to bring attention to this issue and offer a reading list. Nevertheless, I'm grateful for Terrence's efforts to address this and for his sincere understanding and critical insights on the subject.
Overall, this book is exceptionally valuable. While I'm typically content to discover one or two insights that enhance my well-being, this book is filled with numerous ideas that contribute positively. It's certainly worth reading, and even revisiting. It has the potential to untangle our current relationships, shed light on past relational challenges, and equip us for future connections. Ultimately, it serves as a great catalyst for personal growth.
Memorable Quotes:
“ We are individuals, yes, but individuals whose lifeblood is connection.”
“Love is like a Roto-Rooter – it will push every button you own; it will bring up to the surface every unhealed wound and fissure that has lodged inside your body. Nothing stimulates hurt quite the way love does.”
“Maturity is when we tend to our inner children and don’t inflict them on our partners to care for.”
“We are sickened sometimes by what we can’t stop thinking about, but we can be even more damaged by what we refuse to think about.”
“Racism lies in the poisoned heart of America. So does patriarchy. Both are children of the Great Lie, the delusion of individualism, that one can be essentially superior or inferior to another human being.”
