The Best Relationship Advice You’ll Ever Get: Expert Advice and Wisdom from Long-Lasting Couples
As I've spent the last year studying the Gottman method and devouring countless relationship books and talks, I've noticed something interesting: the advice from long-term couples, relationship experts, and partners married for over 20 years tends to be quite repetitive. At first, I found this surprising, but then I realized it’s quite comforting. Hearing the same messages from such a diverse group of people, each with their own unique stories, histories, and triumphs, reassures me that these lessons are truly universal.
Which means that these things must be pretty damn important . . . and they work. Here is some of the top relationship advice for a long, lasting, happy relationship:
Be together for the RIGHT reasons!
“Took me three tries to figure out what should have been obvious from the beginning, the only reason you should ever be with the person you’re with is because you simply love being around them. It really is that simple.” - Terrence
One of the most common trends among people who were in their second or third marriage had similar reasons for what they did WRONG in their first. Some of these reasons include:
Being together for image--- the relationship looked good on paper
Pressure from family or friends -- or the other person
Being young, in love and naively thinking marriage would solve everything
Successful relationships are built on a foundation of genuine, deep respect for each other. Without that, everything else eventually falls apart.
2. Set realistic expectations for relationship and romance
“Love isn't stagnant; it's dynamic, always shifting and growing.” - Mary
In ancient times, people genuinely considered love a sickness. Romantic love wasn't exactly celebrated as it is today. Parents warned their children against it, and adults quickly arranged marriages before their children were old enough to do something foolish due to their raging hormones and emotions.
Romantic love, with its ability to evoke euphoria similar to a drug high, often causes people—especially young people—to act foolishly. I remember my own teenage years, filled with countless cringeworthy Facebook statuses, love notes, and diary entries about "true love." Looking back, these remnants of my youth are both laughable and embarrassing, making me either laugh or cringe as I recall the intensity of those emotions.
Really hopeless love like that is nature’s way of tricking us into doing often stupid and irrational things in order to remember to procreate. If we stopped long enough to think about the repercussions of having kids—not to mention being with the same person forever and ever—few would ever do it. As Robin Williams once said, “God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time.”
Blind romantic love typically fades within a few years. That high of gazing into your partner's eyes as if they're the sun, moon and stars—well, it tends to lessen over time. Once that initial spark fades, it's essential to ensure that you've committed to someone you truly respect and enjoy spending time with. Otherwise, the journey ahead is going to get rocky.
There will be days, weeks, or perhaps even longer periods when you're not feeling all lovey-dovey. You might wake up some mornings and think, "Ugh, you're still here..." And you know what? That's perfectly normal. What's important is pushing through those moments because, in a day, a week, or maybe even longer, you'll find yourself looking at your partner and being overwhelmed with a rush of love that reminds you of when you first fell for them.
3. Talk openly about everything - especially the hard things
There can be no secrets. Secrets divide you. Always. - Theresa
If something bothers you in the relationship, it's crucial to voice it. Doing so builds trust, and trust, in turn, fosters intimacy. It might hurt, but it's necessary because no one else can fix your relationship for you. Just as straining your muscles during a workout makes them grow back stronger, introducing some discomfort through vulnerability can strengthen your relationship.If something bothers you in the relationship, you must be willing to say it out loud.
Along with respect, trust is the most commonly mentioned trait crucial for a healthy relationship. Most people mention it in the context of jealousy and infidelity. But trust goes much deeper than whether or not someone is cheating or not. Because when you’re really talking about the long haul, you have to get into some serious life-or-death shit. If you learned you had cancer tomorrow, would you trust your partner to stick with you? Do you trust them to handle your money or make sound decisions under pressure? Do you trust them not to blame you when you mess up?
The key to fostering and maintaining trust in a relationship is for both partners to be completely transparent and vulnerable. If something is bothering you, say something. This is important not only for addressing issues as they arise, but it proves to your partner that you have nothing to hide.
Think of trust like a mirror-- if you drop it and it breaks, patching it up requires a lot of work. Drop it again, and it shatters into more pieces, needing even more time and care to fix. But drop and break it enough times, and it will shatter into so many pieces that you will never be able to put it back together again,
4. Get good at fighting
John Gottman is a renowned psychologist and researcher who has spent over 25 years studying married couples to uncover the secrets of why they stay together and why they break up. He is a leading authority in the field of relationship dynamics.
Gottman's approach involves bringing married couples into a room, setting up cameras, and asking them to fight. Importantly, he doesn't ask them to discuss why they love their partner or their favorite aspects of the relationship. Instead, he asks them to argue about an ongoing issue while being recorded.
By analyzing these interactions, Gottman can predict—with remarkable accuracy—whether a couple will eventually divorce.
What’s most intriguing about Gottman’s research is that the predictors of divorce aren't what you might expect. He found that successful couples, like unsuccessful couples, fight consistently. And some of them fight furiously. However, Gottman identified four specific behaviors that often lead to divorce or breakups. He famously refers to these behaviors as "the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse.”
-Criticizing your partner’s character (“you’re so stupid” vs “that thing you did was stupid.”)
-Defensiveness (or basically, blame shifting, “I wouldn’t have done that if you weren’t late all the time.”)
-Contempt (putting down your partner and making them feel inferior.)
-Stonewalling (withdrawing from an argument and ignoring your partner.)
In every book, study and conversations with couples who went the distance almost every single one referenced the importance of dealing well with conflict.
When people talk about the necessity for “good communication” all of the time, this is what they should mean: be willing to have the uncomfortable talks; be willing to have the fights; say the ugly things and get it all out in the open.
5. Get good at forgiveness
Perhaps the most surprising insight from Gottman’s research is that most successful couples don’t actually resolve all of their problems. Contrary to common expectations, his findings reveal that people in lasting and happy relationships often have ongoing issues that never fully go away. Meanwhile, couples who believe they must agree and compromise on everything often end up feeling miserable and ultimately falling apart.
This comes back to the respect thing. If you have two different individuals sharing a life together, it’s inevitable that they will have different values and perspectives on some things and clash over them. The key here is not to change the other person—as the desire to change your partner is inherently disrespectful (to both them and yourself)—but rather it’s to simply abide by the difference, love them despite it, and when things get a little rough around the edges, to forgive them for it.
But how do you get good at forgiveness? What does that actually mean? Here’s some of the best advice I’ve learned:
When an argument is over, it’s over.
Some couples went as far as to make this the golden rule in their relationship.
When you’re done fighting, it doesn’t matter who was right and who was wrong, it doesn’t matter if someone was mean and someone was nice, it’s over. And you both have to agree to leave it there, and not bring it up every month for the next one hundred years.
There’s no scoreboard. No one is trying to “win.” There’s no, “You owe me” for past mistakes. Everything in the relationship should be given and done unconditionally—that is, without expectation of reward or manipulation of emotions.
When your partner messes up, distinguish between their intentions and behavior. Remember the qualities you love and admire in them, understanding that they were doing their best but made a mistake.. It doesn't mean they're bad or have ulterior motives. Remember you're with them because they're a good person.
And finally, pick your battles wisely. You and your partner only have so many fucks to give, save them for the real things that matter.
One of the most valuable pieces of advice comes from a couple who've been together for over 40 years: I suggest printing this out and referring to it daily!
“You can work through anything as long as you are not destroying yourself or each other. That means emotionally, physically, financially, or spiritually. Make nothing off-limits to discuss. Never shame or mock each other for the things you do that make you happy. Write down why you fell in love and read it every year on your anniversary (or more often). Write love letters to each other often. Put each other first.
When kids arrive, it will be easy to fall into a frenzy of making them the only focus of your life…do not forget the love that produced them. You must keep that love alive and strong to feed them love. Partner comes first.
Each of you will continue to grow. Bring the other one with you. Be the one that welcomes that growth. Don’t think that the other one will hold the relationship together. Both of you should assume it’s up to you so that you are both working on it.
Do not complain about your partner to anyone. Love them for who they are. Make love often. Trust each other. Give each other the benefit of the doubt always. Be transparent. Have nothing to hide. Be proud of each other. Have a life outside of each other but share it through conversation. Pamper and adore each other. Disagree with respect to each other’s feelings. Be open to change and accepting of differences.” - Margaret
